Monday, March 6, 2017

walls

Allison and I moved this weekend and it was emotionally exhausting for the both of us. I went back to the old place yesterday to do some last minute cleaning and to turn in the keys. But before I walked out the door for the very last time, I took a minute in each room. 

This wasn't just another move for me. This house had been nothing but a place of turmoil and grief the last 5 years. And as I walked through the house, I reflected on all the things that happened in each room. The closets I would retreat to when I would have panic attacks, the kitchen where I walked in on an attempted suicide, the walls that have physical evidence of past domestic violence. I remember the specific spots I was standing in when I was being screamed at or when I received horrible news or when I had to call the police for help. I stood silently in each spot, taking in the emotions I felt when those instances occurred so that when I brought my mind back into the present, I could feel the weighted difference in where I am today. As I stood there, I cried, and I leaned forward so the tears would fall on the floor. I didn't want them. That old bastard house could keep em. 

I would like to try and remember all the good times we had there but they were few and far between. Allie had her third birthday party there but she also learned about death and heartache and parental neglect and depression there. They kind of overshadowed the cake and balloons.

I'm moving out of that house a completely different person than I was moving in. I didn't expect to walk out of it as a single mother. I didn't expect to go to war in that house or to leave it with all these battle wounds. But I can choose what I take with me. I can choose to leave behind the self-doubt and fear that lingered over me all those years and choose to bring with me the strength and wisdom and self-assurance I gained. 

This will be my last time writing about what happened within the walls of that house for a long time. Allison's dad has been making positive changes in his life and I don't want to ignore that. We're both very different people today. But my way of healing throughout all of this has been writing and I've been so grateful to have that outlet. And now I'm moving forward. And I don't want to bring all that with me.

And as for the house, I'm happy to be saying good riddance. Although I know the building itself didn't cause my disparity, within those walls I leave it.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The Big Fat Quiz of the Year

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?
Took my first solo trip, took my daughter on a trip by myself, took an uber for the first time, went to my first live show taping, went to my first music concert alone, went to my first comedy show alone, went to about a dozen museums I'd never been to before...

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I lost a little weight, brought my credit score up almost 300 points and enrolled in school. My resolutions for 2017 will be to eat healthier and cleaner, to keep my gpa at 4.0, and to read more.

3. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Financial security, trust in my government (yeah right)

4. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 18th (seeing Mumford & Sons in Queens)


5. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?
-much happier

richer or poorer?
-richer

6. What was your favorite TV program?
Game of Thrones, Shameless, Documentary Now, Legit, Stranger Things, Black Mirror

7. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Borns, Halsey

8. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Ghostbusters, BFG, War Dogs, Deadpool, Room, Sing Street, Fantastic Beasts, Popstar, The Little Prince, Arrival

9. What books did you read in 2016 that you'd never read before?
I read like a million children's books with Allie and a few for school but I can't remember one single book I read for myself this year.

10. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
Ripped jeans, stripes, faux fur scarves, dark lipstick...so maybe street grunge?

11. Who was the best new person you befriended?
Some parents from Allie's school and the peeps in PA


Happy 2017!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

identity

Selfies get a lot of crap. I mean, I'm a part of a generation that constantly gets ridiculed for taking a silly photo of yourself when there was once a time when people would sit for hours as someone painting an oil portrait of them. Perspective, people.


This selfie, however, is much more than just a silly photo to me. For years, every picture of myself was fake. A fake smile, a fake portrayal of my life. My eyes hid the darkness that was engulfing me and that's exactly how I wanted it. Hidden. You can't see abuse in a photograph.

A few years ago, I remember watching a music video that was based at a carnival. Everyone in the video looked SO happy. They were just so blissful and carefree. It seemed so unbelievably unattainable to me. I was surrounded by this dark cloud for so long that that's all I could see. Happiness looked like a fairy tale.

But in this photograph I'm free. I see so much confidence and joy, things it took me years to reclaim. This past year has been about rediscovering my identity. I hadn't realized how much I had given away until the dust settled. I'm sure I'll write a post all about my past someday but for now, I'm moving forward. It no longer dictates who I am or what I am. I exist for a purpose. And I'm having a really good time figuring out what that purpose is for me.

When I was in the thick of it, I didn't know anyone who had gone through what I was going through. It was the loneliest time of my life. So if there's anyone out there struggling, just know you're not alone. There's been women who have walked this road and come out the other side stronger than ever. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, but just keep marching. You'll get there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

5 difficult things about single parenting

Being a single parent isn't typically what people plan for. But when you become one, you learn a whole lot about yourself. I've been a single parent most of Allison's life and although it hasn't been the easiest task (it's actually been the most difficult thing ever to be honest), it's made me a much stronger person. Like Superman but with tights. Oh wait.

So without further adieu, here are my top 5 difficult things about being a single parent:

1. No rest for the weary. There's no other parent there to "tag in" when you've had enough and you're feeling overwhelmed and you need a break or the child needs a different parental strategy or disciplinary technique. It's up to you to figure it out on your own.

2. Priority. Your child will ALWAYS come first. No matter what. I've had to power through panic attacks, grieving a death, and taking violent verbal abuse all while parenting on my own. My daughter's mental/emotional health is the most important thing. And while it's important to make sure my mental/emotional health is in check, IN THE MOMENT, hers comes first.

3. Personality differences. I am and have always been a very calm and easy-going person. I'll be the first to admit I'm a complete pushover; a total people-pleaser. My daughter, however, is the exact opposite. She fights for what she wants and she doesn't back down. She argues and she negotiates like no other. She is as strong-willed as they come. And I've had to become a brick wall for her. I can't be a pushover; I can't be easy-going or she'll walk all over me. I've had to really change to become the parent she needs. Because I'm the only parent she's got.

4. Her idolization of the absent parent. It's natural for kids to be absolutely obsessed with the parent who isn't around - the parent who isn't working their ass off for them, the parent who isn't cooking their meals, reading them bedtime stories, teaching them how to clean their room, putting a bandage on their scrapes, building forts with them, helping them with their homework, etc. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

5. FULL responsibility. College, emotional development, mental stability, appropriate socialization, security, physical health, a sense of adventure - it's all on you. Hopefully you went to college.


Although single parenting has its difficulties, I believe I'm showing my daughter important characteristics like inner strength, perseverance and dedication and how the most valuable things in life are worth working for. And I'm thankful for the love and support I receive from my family and friends. It really keeps me going some days.

And to all the single parents out there, hang in there. You're doing good work.

new beginnings

So I've recently turned 30 and my life looks drastically different from when I was 20. And rightfully so. Most 30 year olds don't look or live anything like they did when they were 20 and usually for good reason. My change, however, wasn't just due to time passing. My twenties were filled with a lot of hardships. I was living quietly in an abusive marriage for years. One of my closest friends passed away all too suddenly. I experienced a lot of darkness but I have been liberated and it feels great! And now I'm at the point in my life where I can take everything I've gone through - every positive and negative experience - and really make something out of it. So I've decided to start a blog. lol

Assuming people might actually read this thing, I thought I'd write a bit about my life now. I've just always been inspired by a blank canvas; a private (but maybe not so private) place where my thoughts can run wild but hopefully make sense and strike a chord in someone who stops by. Oh, also - thanks for stopping by!